Won't Let Go
by Nonsensical11
Summary: Rose thought that terrible day on the beach would be the last time she'd ever see her Doctor, but weeks later, he returns to her dreams. Is it just an illusion that Rose is unwilling to part with, or is it the Doctor who can't bring himself to sever the last connection between them? Alternating points of view between Rose and The Doctor. Set after Doomsday. Possible slight AU.
1. Rose

I was dreaming of him again.

I found myself looking forward to going to sleep every night, and not just because I was exhausted all the time.

Before I came to Pete's World, which we had come to refer to the parallel universe that my mother, Mickey, and I ended up in as, I never really dreamed much. Not since I was a small kid, anyway. And still, it didn't happen every night. But when I did dream, he was there. The Doctor. My Doctor.

It wasn't like before. When he'd been trying to direct me to go to Bad Wolf Bay so that we could say goodbye, he'd always been speaking. Or at least, trying to. The communication in the dreams was shaky. It had been hard to differentiate between what my head was coming up with and what was a message from him. A lot of the time, he'd be somewhere in my peripheral vision just mouthing words, and no sound would come out. As time progressed, he seemed to master the speaking part. But it was still difficult to direct myself in the dream in order to focus on him, which is why it had taken so long for me to understand his message.

But this. This was nothing like before. It started about a week after we'd said goodbye on what was the absolute worst day of my life. These new dreams were a mixture of inexplicable scenes - me on a beach, which always left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, or somewhere in a forest where the trees were a shimmery silver that glittered in the suns' light. Always such fantastic locations. I could never have imagined them on my own. That was my first indicator that it wasn't a dream of my own mind's design.

But he never spoke. He was just a looming presence, watching me. I couldn't interact with him. But it wasn't like before, when he seemed to be unable to speak. It was just that he no longer seemed to have anything to say. He just watched me. You'd think that it would make me uncomfortable, but it didn't. It was just the Doctor, after all.

Every morning after a dream, I woke feeling more tired than when I'd gone to sleep. That was the downside to the wonderful dreams - they weren't very restful.

-oOo-

"I'm still dreaming of him," I confessed to Mickey rather abruptly one night.

"You weren't listening to me," he retorted.

"I was!"

Mickey's expression darkened, and I immediately felt guilty. Mickey had that effect on me, lately. Here in this new universe, it was obvious he had thought we would try to work on repairing our relationship. I don't think he realized that I wasn't ready for that. I didn't really believe we could ever go back to the way we were - easy, and comfortable. Still, what was my other option? To continue to moon over some man in another universe who I would never see again? And so Mickey and I fell into a strange, new kind of relationship. He'd changed from the dopey boy I'd left behind when I'd jumped into the TARDIS all those years back. He'd grown up. He deserved better than me. He always had. Because Mickey was the good sort - the kind of person who wouldn't think of being with a person who cared about him as 'settling'. The sort who wouldn't stay with someone when he was in love with someone else.

"Well, alright. You're dreaming of 'im, then. Is it like before? Has he got some kind of map to give you, or something?" Mickey asked. "Some way to get you back?"

"I don't think I can ever go back, " I admitted. It was painful to say outloud. "But he's there. I think he's real. S'not just in my head. He's really there, he's just not speaking."

"Well, maybe he just wants to check up on you. Make sure you're not dead."

"That doesn't sound like him."

"Yeah, well, I don't know how his _alien-brain _functions. Seriously, though, Rose. How do you know it's not just a dream this time? I mean, since when has the Doctor done something for no reason? Why would he just chill in your dreams if he had no purpose in being there?"

He was right, of course. But a small part of me liked to think that maybe the Doctor was doing this solely because he missed me. A far-fetched notion, for sure. But I clung to the idea of it...The possibilities of what that would mean.

"I don't know. Just - just go on with what you were sayin'. It's not important. And don't tell mum. She's stressed enough as it is, what with the baby 'n all."

"I wouldn't, anyway. That's the last thing Jackie wants to hear. I think she'd be happy to imagine that her life had always been this way," Mickey said with a chuckle. And it was true. My mum had taken to this new life better than any of us. She seemed to be born for being the wealthy wife of a businessman.

But as it turned out, Mickey didn't have to tell mum, after all.

**A/N. I'm actually planning on this being a full-length fic. Though, I'm not entirely sure which direction I'm taking it, so updates may be infrequent. Please review if you liked it (or even if you didn't)! Thank you! **


	2. Doctor

_You shouldn't be doing this_, I reminded myself, as if there was any possibility that I'd forgotten. _You should leave her alone. Let her have her life. Stop interfering. _

But was it really interfering, to fill her head with pleasant thoughts as she slept? Was that really so terrible?

Yes. Try as I might to excuse my behaviour, I knew what I was doing was selfish. We were separated forever, with only the tiniest fraction of a window between my universe and hers. More of a crack, really. A crack that I refused to stop pulling apart with all my strength so that I could peek through to get one last glimpse of her. Metaphorically, of course. And being separated, as we were, with all the laws of time and nature keeping us apart, it would only be right to give her the clean break she needed. Hadn't I told her that she could never see me again? And yet, I refused to abide by that myself.

We _should_ have never been able to see one another again. I _should _have stopped attempting to split the hastily patched seams of the fabric of the universe, preventing it from healing completely - but I couldn't. The truth was, I was weak. So very weak, and alone.

And there's nothing that I hated more than being alone. When I was alone, my thoughts were so loud and overpowering. Over 900 years of thoughts to sort through. Years of guilt, all of it weighing heavily on my mind. The faces of people I had destroyed - entire civilizations I could have helped. The power to decide whether or not to let nature take its course or to intervene and save precious life was too great for one man to bear. And so often - far too often, I had made the hard decision. I let people die. Innocent people. Which when it comes down to it, feels the same as if you had slaughtered them yourself.

I felt old. I felt like maybe I'd seen enough. The universe, vast and glorious, and just begging to be explored, seemed lackluster without Rose to share it with.

And so I found myself, again, prying apart the seams. I needed someone. Someone to be young for me. To help me see the world afresh.

I needed Rose. There was no substitute. And while I had offered to take Donna with me, I had known that it would never be what I had with Rose. I didn't want it to be. Though, with Donna, I would have at least not been alone. But I couldn't blame her for not wanting to travel with me after watching me brutally destroy the Racnoss. That time, I had not been making the 'hard decisions' that came with my title. That time, my guilt could not be soothed. I had acted in anger. And though I could try to justify my actions: _I had given her a warning_, _they were going to devour the human race_, I knew in my hearts that those had not been my thoughts when I flushed the Racnoss out. It amazed me that Donna didn't run screaming from me in that moment. She should have.

Rose would have been ashamed of me.

She'd always been so quick to call me out when I got lost in my fury - when I got vindictive. She was unlike anyone else. She was my equal. She always had been. She wasn't just a companion to travel with. She was...

She was different. She was an embodiment of those words I never got to say on Bad Wolf Bay. She was beautiful, and charming, and confusing, and intelligent, and so, very human.

And she was accessible. The temptation was too great to resist. Tell me, how could I abstain from reaching out and taking what I so _desperately_ needed when it was right within my grasp?

But I had to be careful. I didn't know how much would be too much - how much it would take to shatter the crack into a larger, dangerous gap. For now, I was safe within the constraints of psychic projection. But even that could be dangerous if I pushed too far or too quickly.

_Which is why you shouldn't be doing this. _

I silenced my thoughts, and slipped into the projection. It only worked when Rose was asleep, so it required a bit of guesswork to determine when that would be. Each time I failed to connect with her, I felt a pang in my hearts. Tonight, I hoped, she would meet me there in her dreams.

I closed my eyes, envisioning the alley behind Powell Estate where I used to park my TARDIS, hoping... And there she was.

_Rose_.


	3. Dream

"Rose, how are you feeling?" Mum asked me when I came in that late that night. She practically met me in the doorway. I slid around her into the expansive and ornately decorated hall. I would never get used to the place.

It was obvious that she had stayed up waiting for me. I felt a tinge of nervousness in the pit of my stomach as I wondered what she was on about.

"Hello to you, too, Mum." I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Are you doing okay?" she asked, not to be distracted.

"I'm doing fine! Why you askin'?"

"Were you just out with Mickey?"

"Yeah, and it's gettin' late. I was just gonna run up to bed." I tried to edge around her to the staircase, but she moved, none-too-subtly, to block me.

"Rose, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," she said, emphasizing the words _talk to you. _

I sighed. "All right?"

"It's happening again, isn't it?" She was perceptive, I had to give her that. "You've gone all distant, again. I need you to _tell me_, sweetheart! And don't pretend like nothin' is going on cause I know that's not true. I know my daughter, Rose Tyler! You've changed - even since we've been here. I thought you were starting to get better. You were movin' on from _'im_, I thought!"

"_Moving on from him_?" I couldn't believe my ears. "How could I move on from him, Mum? He changed my life! He changed _me_! My life meant nothing before him."

"Don't say that," Mum said softly. Her look of concern irritated me. I knew what she was thinking: That the way I felt wasn't healthy. But how could she deny that ever since I'd met the Doctor, my life had changed for the better?

The Doctor took me to magnificent places I never could have gone on my own. I grew and learned so much. I saw things that I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams. Every moment with him was a new adventure. That became my life! And it had been such a step up from my mediocre, average existence before I met him. How quickly she had forgotten how drastically he had changed _all _of our lives!

It drove me mad the way she loved to forget that we were living in an entirely different universe; That the stars in the sky were not the stars I had traveled in, the man she was with was not my father, and the hardest change of all: There was no Doctor in this world. At least, not that I'd seen.

Everything had changed, but Pete's World was just similar enough for her, and sometimes even Mickey, to ignore the fact that this place was not home. It wasn't where we belonged. But my mother... She'd rather go on pretending that we'd always lived this way than admit that.

Of course, it wasn't hard to understand why. She got the man she loved back from the dead. Kind of. We weren't struggling to pay the bills any longer, in fact, we were _well off_. She was expecting a child that never could have existed back home. It was obvious that she was happy. Happier than I'd ever seen her.

Maybe it was selfish of me to have wished that things could go back to the way they were. After all, my mum deserved to be happy. And me making her fear for my well-being was standing in the way of that.

"They're just dreams, Mum. And it's not like before. Stop worryin'."

"How can I, when you're always stumblin' about like a zombie?"

"I don't know what you want me to do, Mum. I can't stop myself from dreaming. It just happens."

"And that's fine! But please, _please_ stop dwelling on them, Rose. You can't keep living your life like this. It's isn't healthy. I thought that when we drove you all the way to Norway ... Well, I didn't know what to expect of that man. But you got to say goodbye, at last. I thought that might be the beginning of you healing."

"Maybe dreamin' of him is my mind's way of healing." I suggested. I was through with arguing. I just wanted to go to bed. "I'll try not to let them get to me."

Mum sighed, and she grabbed me up into an enveloping hug.

"I hope so, sweetheart." Her embrace was warm and familiar, and she smelled of hairspray and vanilla, just like she always had. The scent reminded me of being a kid, curling up beside her in her bed after a bad dream. Of the humiliating hugs in front of my friends in middle school. I breathed the memory in before she released me. "Go on, love. Go to sleep."

"Night, Mum," I said softly, and dragged myself up the steps.

Somehow, as I slipped into my empty bed, I felt like I'd lied - like I was getting away with something. Because, the truth of it was, I had no intention of letting go of my dreams.

Because I wanted to believe that it was really him.

And as I started to drift off, I felt giddy, praying he would visit me again.

-oOo-

_I was home. Really home. My home - a place that didn't even exist in Pete's World. _

_More specifically, I was in the alley outside of the estate. I never thought I'd feel sentimental about the old graffitied walls and overturned trash cans surrounding me, but I couldn't contain the swelling feeling in my heart. I blinked back the pinpricks of tears that threatened to spill over._

_It was quite a change of scenery compared to the spectacular planet I'd seen in my dream last time, but it was just as wonderful to me. _

_I turned my head, and there he was. He stood beside the TARDIS. The words 'Bad Wolf' were scrawled across the side of her, just like a memory. _

_"Doctor!"_

_He smiled at me, leaning against the TARDIS, his hand inching towards her doorknob. He looked as if he were posing. _

_"Doctor?" I said, hesitantly moving towards him. His lips twitched, as if he were about to speak, but stopped himself._

_"Are you alright?" I asked. _

_He nodded._

_I closed the distance between us._

_ The Doctor reached out hesitantly with his hand, but stopped before he reached my skin. His hand hovered inches from mine, as if he'd meant to grasp it in his.I stared up into his warm, dark eyes. He was so vivid. It had to be real. _

_ Up close, he looked older than when I'd saw him last. It had been nearly five months ago that we'd said goodbye on Bad Wolf Bay. He had me convinced then that I'd never see him again. And yet, here he was. Right before me. _

_The barrier before that had barred me from focusing on him was gone, and now that it has dissolved, I recognized it. A perception filter. But who would place a perception filter on the Doctor? _

_Or had he done it himself?_

_As real as he seemed, there was something different about him. He seemed stiff, as if he were afraid to move. And what scared the Doctor was terrifying to me._

_"Doctor, are we safe?"_

_He didn't respond._

**A/N. I'm still not entirely sure which direction I'm planning on taking this. Bear with me, please. Review if you'd like. And thank you for the reviews/favorites/follows I've gotten already for this story. I really appreciate them and they're encouraging to me!**


	4. Distraction

Rose.

My lovely Rose. Intuitive and painstakingly observant, as always. Of course she would realize and point out that I was being reckless, even though she couldn't possibly know the extent of it.

Still, there she was. I saw her. And seeing her was like a breath of fresh air into lifeless lungs. But in the same way, like a gust of air being exhaled, she soon dissipated and was lost. And as she left me, waking up somewhere in another universe, alone, I felt the chasm between us grow. I had pushed too far. I had let her see me. I'd nearly even touched her. I'd been close enough to feel her warmth radiating off her skin. And because of all the risks I'd taken, it would require an even greater amount of power to reach her next time.

But there couldn't be a 'next time'. She was right, as usual. It wasn't safe.

I was putting her in danger, along with everything else between two universes. How could I look into her trusting eyes, knowing I was risking her and countless others' lives?

Of course, if that was to be the last time I would see her, I really wish that I had chosen a better location - that I had somehow conveyed to her my feelings, and my final goodbye. If only...

No, there was no way. I would not risk it again.

Without even knowing it, Rose Tyler has sent me out of her life for good. Her face alone was enough to stop me. Rose Tyler, Defender of the Universe, indeed. Who would have thought that she would need to defend it from me?

I looked around the empty control room. The TARDIS's engine idled, the faint hum of it echoed around the vast space.

Empty, all but me.

I felt even more alone each time I left her. I was floating through space with no direction - quite literally. What I really needed, if I was to keep myself from succumbing to the temptation of returning to Rose, was something that would prevent me from being alone in my downtime. That was when I seemed to be the most vulnerable. I needed a distraction. It was time to find some way of keeping myself busy. Keeping busy had never been something I'd ever had difficulty with before. There was always something that needed to be done - something that needed exploring or rescuing. I needed to find that, again. That purpose.

And I needed a companion.

I wasn't entirely sure where one went about acquiring one of those. To be honest, they'd usually just fallen into my lap at the opportune moment. It seemed this time, I might have to actually go and find one for myself.

_But where to start looking_? I thought back to when I'd met Rose. It was always strange to recall memories I had in a different body. Though, I was still the same man, even the way I processed thought changed with regeneration.

At the time I'd first encountered Rose, I'd never known she'd be joining me - saving worlds with me, becoming my closest friend. I never knew she would completely change me. I had stopped believing that I could be forgiven and loved. I was stuck in my ways, though still relatively young for a Time Lord. One doesn't cause the destruction of entire races and civilizations without being damaged - damaged in what I had assumed was beyond repair. And yet, she'd came into my life, and she'd softened my cold heart with her vulnerablity, her strength, and her trust. She could have just as easily been one more person I interacted with, and then never saw again in my long life. But she wasn't. She was amazing. She made me believe in something, again.

It always came back to her, lately. And now, I had to leave Rose Tyler behind. For good, this time. I could do it. I could give us both the chance to move on. I just had to be stronger - and I had to keep busy. No more drifting.

I stroked the TARDIS' console fondly before powering her up, entering coordinates rapid fire. It was even more difficult running her alone, but definitely not something I hadn't dealt with before.

As the TARDIS roared to life, I couldn't contain a small, unexpected burst of laughter. I was off to seek out trouble, feeling the familiar flicker of lust for adventure, excitement building inside of me for first time in months.


	5. New Life

That was the last time he came to me.

Days went by with dreamless nights, but I stayed optimistic. I started sleeping even more often than before, something I hadn't realized could be possible. I thought that perhaps he'd been missing me - that he'd been trying to contact me, but couldn't get the timing right. After all, he only came to me in my dreams. Logically, more time spent asleep meant more chances he had to reach me. But he didn't come again.

The days crawled on and slowly turned to weeks. Empty weeks without my Doctor.

I was convinced now. It had to have been him. My mind would not have abruptly abandoned the dreams. He must have chosen to leave me. I wondered if I had done something wrong by speaking to him . . . Maybe if I hadn't tried to push things, he would have remained lurking in the background, watching, just out of sight. I think I could have been content with that. It would have been better than nothing. Better than this.

But what did it matter now? He was gone. He'd left me.

I had to accept that he wasn't coming back. I'd wasted too much time waiting for him, and time was precious now. I couldn't leisurely flit about, and then hop onboard the TARDIS and return, having had only moments pass. Not that I'd ever been keen on wasting time before. But now I was a prisoner of it. I had to follow its laws.

My mum was nearly about to pop. The baby was due any day now. The excitement of the impending little Tony Tyler was enough to drive away my mad thoughts and force me back into reality. This was my life, now. And it was time to claim it as my own.

If anything, this new world had given me potential. I had the ability to become something here. I had a great deal of power in Pete's World. We had money, now. And my knowledge of alien affairs - even if my experience had mostly occurred in another universe, was very useful at Torchwood.

Once I finally stopped _mopin' about _as my mum called it, I found myself moving upwards at the Institute very quickly, and soon had acquired a fairly high-ranking position there. I was getting noticed. They respected me, and even the boss came to me with questions, sometimes.

_Can you describe the console of the TARDIS, again? _

_What sort of defense mechanisms did the Raxacoricofallapatorians have?_

I often felt like my answers were weak, and wished that I could explain things better, but so much of it had already dimmed in my memory. How exactly _did_ the TARDIS' console look? I could barely recall. The Doctor would have had been able to answer much more thoroughly. Still, they always were so thrilled by the information I could provide. They told me the of all the advances they could make, utilizing what I had told them.

I was taking control of my life, a life without _him._

Still, nothin' felt right.

-oOo-

It was nearly midnight, and rather than go home to the mansion that never felt like a home, after work, I opted to stay with Mickey. It was becoming a bit of a habit.

Of course, Mickey practically lived in the mansion, ever since his grandmother had moved in with us, so his flat was a bit sparse. I think the main reason he kept it was because he knew I didn't feel comfortable at 'home'.

His flat in Pete's World had previously belonged to Rickey. Considering that Mickey and Rickey were practically the same, you would have thought they'd have similar tastes. But unlike Mickey's flat back in our universe, Rickey's had no warmth to it. It barely felt like anyone had lived there at all. The walls were bare, there were no dirty dishes piled in the sink, and the fridge was empty. Well, not anymore. Mickey couldn't live anywhere, even for the few odd nights out of the week that I couldn't bear the thought of going home, without a stocked refrigerator. Admittedly, stocked with mostly junk food and an oddly large quantity of pickled concoctions. _Could come in handy again_, he said, but he wasn't foolin' me.

Still, despite the place not being the most homey flat in the world, it was easier to accept than the monstrosity of the Tyler _Mansion_.

Just the sound of the word 'mansion' made me feel ill. Sure, it was fun towards the beginning to play dress up as a rich girl, but that's exactly what it felt like. A game of pretend. I wasn't cut out for that sort of lifestyle, I guess.

"You want tea?" Mickey asked me from the kitchen as I collapsed onto his couch with a tired sigh.

"Sure, why not?"

Mickey set our drinks down on the table and flopped down beside me, his arm slipping around my shoulders, pulling me closer.

"I could sleep right now," he said, his chin resting on the top of my head. "I think I'd take battling Cybermen over research and company politics, any day."

"You're good at it, though," I pointed out, taking a sip of my tea.

"I think the boss really likes you," he said after a minute of silence.

"Yeah, but does he like _me_, or is it 'cause of my 'connections'?"

"No, babe. I think he really does. You're useful."

"Thanks," I said, unable to hold back the sarcasm from slipping into my voice.

"That's a good thing, Rose."

"Yeah, yeah. You're right."

"C'mon, " he said, squeezing me tight, his hand slipping down from my shoulders and encircling my waist. "Let's go to bed."

And there it was. The undeniable feeling - a small flicker of hope inside of me. Maybe...Maybe tonight would be the night. Maybe he'd come back. It was that stupid hope that I couldn't escape from, no matter how hard I tried. It never went away.

"Alright," I said with a grin. "I'm dead-tired."

Mickey kissed my smiling mouth.

"I wasn't talking 'bout sleepin'."

"No?" I said, hoping my disappointment didn't show. But no, I shouldn't have felt disappointment. I was disgusted with my reaction. But every time the end of the day drew near, I couldn't help but rejoice that there'd be a chance for me to escape my waking hours, at last. I couldn't keep thinking like that. It was getting me nowhere, in fact, it was pullin' me backwards.

"I mean, not if you're too tired," he said, already backing down, abandoning his grip on my waist for his mug of tea.

"I'm not too tired," I whispered, grasping his arm.

He turned and faced me, his dark eyes sparkling as he smiled. "Oh, yeah?" he asked. I loved his smile.

Maybe Mickey had the right idea. Maybe that was just the kind of distraction I needed.

Then my cell buzzed from my pocket.

"Let it ring," Mickey said, his voice warm and tempting, but I already had my phone out. The moment was ruined. Definitely a sign, I decided.

"It's Mum," I said. "Better answer. Hello?"

"_Hi, Rose? It's Pete. Your mum's in labor. We're heading to the hospital now, just thought - " _

_ "Tell her to meet us there!_" I heard mum shout before she started groaning in pain, loud enough to be picked up by the phone.

"Oh my God!" I said.

"_She wants you to meet us_, _can you do that_?" Pete sounded panicked. Well, it was his first kid, after all, I realized.

"Sure. 'Course. We'll be there soon." I hung up and looked at Mickey. "Sorry, Mick. We gotta go. Mum's in - "

"I know, I know. I heard."

**A/N. This is not a Mickey/Rose fic at all, so don't panic. Or do. Who am I to tell you what to panic about? Hah. Reviews make me smile. Thank you!**


	6. A Reminder

**A/N. The dialogue in this chapter is pretty much entirely direct quotes from "Smith and Jones". Obviously, I don't own the dialogue, or the characters. I hope you enjoy it!**

Her name was Martha, and she was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Just as I expected it to happen, she kind of just conveniently popped up amidst my distraction. Okay, that's a lie. It took quite a few perilous adventures on my own before I stumbled across her. But her expression alone when she'd checked my heart rate as I lied in bed at the Royal Hope Hospital was enough to make me think, _This is it. She's the one._

And she continued to prove herself to me when we found ourselves on the moon without enough oxygen, being searched for an intergalactic criminal. Honestly, she did all of the work, all while remaining calm and poised. Without Martha's level head, those one thousand people and I would have died.

She was amazing - from the way she thought on her feet to her bravery, and she was great company. The perfect distraction. Or at least, she would have been.

But from the moment I brought her into the TARDIS, I started to feel like maybe I'd made a mistake.

-oOo-

There'd been that familiar look of wonder that I loved seeing as she stepped into the TARDIS - and then back out - and then back in. She looked around, fascinated, and I waited for her to speak.

"Is there a crew?" She asked. "Like, a navigator, and stuff? Where is everyone?"

It was not the kind of question I'd been expecting or hoping for. Somehow, just moments in, she'd already managed to jump right into the one topic I wanted to avoid.

"Just me," I explained. But she wasn't satisfied with that.

"All on your own?"

I decided it would be better to get it all out in the open in the beginning rather than later.

"Well," I began. "Sometimes, I have guests. I mean, some friends that travel alongside me. I had - it was recently - a friend of mine."

I didn't want to keep going. I was supposed to be distracted, and already I found myself being forced to rehash all the things that I was desperately trying to forget. Still, I needed to say it.

"Rose. Her name was Rose." All that time spent, her name running through my head like a mantra. It had been so long that I'd gone without saying it, that it felt strange to hear it spoken out loud. "And...We were together. Anyway!" I wanted to changed the subject, but she must have sensed something in my voice.

"Where is she now?"

"With her family. Happy. She's fine." And that was what got me through each wretched day I'd spend on my own, keeping me from returning to her. Knowing that she was safe and happy. I could go on living without her, so long as I knew that was true. "She's - Not that you're replacing her!" I added, but it was too late.

"Never said I was." Martha's eyes twinkled as she grinned at me. That was when I knew I'd been foolish to act so impetuously. It was that look. That look, which filled me with guilt for years to come.

Steady, logical Martha. I had lured her away from her family and her future in my moment of need, utilizing cheap tricks and vague promises of a bright adventure awaiting her.

I'd been too eager. I hadn't thought things through. I was just so desperate for companionship, that I was unwilling to acknowledge that I wasn't good for her. Because there could be no worse time for me to have a bright, young, and infatuated girl traveling with me than now, when I was so broken and emotionally unavailable. It wasn't fair to her.

I started to back down.

"Just one trip," I said. "To say thanks. You get one trip, then back home. I'd rather be on my own." It was a lie. But I would prefer to suffer through this loneliness than drag someone so young and capable down with me.

"Well, you're the one that kissed me." She pointed out.

"That was a genetic transfer," I argued. How could she misinterpret when I'd so blatantly stated that it meant nothing?

"And if you wear a tight suit -"

"Now, don't."

"-And then travel all the way across the universe just to ask me on a date..."

"Stop it," I said, my voice strained. All the humor drained from her face.

"For the record," she said. "I'm not remotely interested. I only go for humans."

-oOo-

I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. It only got progressively worse. How had I allowed this to happen? Allowed her to fall in love with me?

I was only going to hurt her. But I couldn't even tell her so. I was too selfish, and still just as weak. Nothing had changed.

I needed her. And if I was being honest with myself, I was using her.


End file.
